Celery, pear and Cashel blue cheese soup

*****

Beer battered cod fillet with accompaniments
Baked individual provencale vegetable, chickpea and tofu hot pot
Chipped potatoes and garden peas

Or

Cold Buffet Selection

Or

Guinea fowl supreme
Vegetable and polenta tart

*****

Baked glazed coffee mocha creme brulee with a blueberry compote

Or

Fresh fruit and cheeses.

Bacon and eggs with colcannon *

*****

Roast Squab (Baby Pigeon) with chard and figs
Forestiere potatoes and glazed carrots

*****

Pedro Ximenez Jelly with acacia honey granita, baked quince and creme catalan.

*****

Canape Ivanhoe **

*****

Chateau Beauregard- Ducourt 2005

Bordeaux rouge

*****

Tropical Fruit and Nuts

*****

Cheese Platter

*****

Coffee and truffles

*****

Crozes Hermitage
Domaine de Thalabert 1996

*****

Oestricher Lenchen Riesling Spatlese

Peter Jakob Kuhn 2002

*****

Sandeman 1963

* Vegetarian option of smoked tomato tart was partaken instead
** (smoked mackerel on an onion croquette)

Yesterday I was invited to a special Benefactors’ lunch buffet at the College of St. John the Evangelist. Here is the menu for that meal which was partaken:

Sushi
***
Vegetarian sausage rolls
***
Cape gooseberry and smoked duck on tortilla crisps
***
Spicy Prawn bouchees*
***
Plum cherry tomato and buffalo mozzarella on sticks
***
Chicken tikka on mini poppadums
***
Stilton and paprika straws
***
Salmon and lemon fish cakes
***
Apricot, bacon and sausage on sticks*
***
Polenta crostini with blue cheese and balsamic vinegar
***
Ogen melon wrapped in air cured ham*
***
Chicken teriyake on sticks

Glazed orange tart
***
Fruit Kebabs (these were also had on several occasions aboard the excellent Costa Victoria at the midnight buffet from whence I went on my way rejoicing)
***
Eclairs
***
Scones
***
Fruit cake
***
Fresh fruit
***
Coffee and tea.

*Denotes inability to nosh given Hebrew laws of Kashrut

NB- The May Bumps 2007 Report will follow soon. Much drama as always, that has taken four months to sink in.

Much has happened in the last months, including my Lent Bumps triumphs. Here is an account of the four days which were filled with much intrigue, bravery, and excitement.

DAY 1
Starting behind St. Edmunds 1st VIII on what was, for most of the crew, their first Bumps, was a daunting prospect. Our fears were misplaced, however, as we learned at our starting position that St. Edmunds had been disqualified for that day’s racing for attempting to put a CULRC university rower in what did look like a suspiciously ’stacked’ boat. Expecting a long and hard row to get Eddies, it was quite a shock for the crew to learn we would have to row little more than a few strokes to secure a technical bump. After we had barely finished what was a solid and promising start sequence, the order to pull in was given and so ended our first day’s ‘racing.’ Whilst we were all elated about the bump, we did feel a little cheated out of a day’s rowing and valuable experience.

DAY 2
We were optimistic about our chances of catching Girton II on the second day but a little worried by a somewhat piqued – and now legal - Eddies chasing our stern. The start was a little more frantic after bow pair mistook the remark “that’s it bow pair” for the instruction “bow pair” to take another stroke to position us two seconds before the start gun. We recovered well, however, and even managed to put some distance between Eddies and us. Girton II (who would eventually win blades) bumped Trinity FaT IV just after first post corner leaving the over bump on Clare II for us. After four mins, we had pulled away four lengths from St. Ed’s cheat boat chasing us, and were on for an overbump on Clare. Then our bow man got the hugest crab ever, started screaming, and the oar went under the boat, wedged, and the boat came to a standstill, only for us to watch Ed’s cruising along from behind to catch us after ten seconds, like some awful nightmare in slow motion

DAY 3
Disappointed by the previous day, we were keen to regain our position. Despite a solid row on our part, Eddies were able to bump FaT IV quickly and Girton in front of them also bumped out. Undeterred, we pushed on for the double over-bump on Caius III and managed to put over two lengths between Magdalene II and us, holding them off comfortably. After a strong and determined row we managed to take over four lengths off Caius but we ran out of river before we could row them down. This was a brave and warrior-like performance, however. Magdalene II had been arrogantly proclaiming their hopes for blades. They were, indeed, a strong boat who had bumped twice previously and moved up into our division. They had boasted at a dinner the night before that we would be mincemeat in their hands. Thus, the row over, denying them all the way, and making them cry, was more satisfying than a bump. We had stolen their blades from them because we were a better, fitter, and more gutsy crew.

DAY 4
Resolved to win a bump on the final day, we put in a good start and managed to close the distance on FaT IV to three-quarters of a length quite quickly. Gaining on them on first post reach, we rowed them down and WON THE BUMP -BANG- on grassy corner after a convincing performance on our part. We thus went up overall during Lent Bumps 2007. I covered myself in victorious greenery, and went on my way rejoicing.

The Blonde and I have entertained recently. We offered, among other things:

Halal milk bottle sweets.

American ‘natural’ Cheetos (only for The Blonde).

Lychee puddings (only for Ru).

Jelly Beans.

Yeo’s chrysanthemum juice with vodka.

White wine left over from Cambridge Limmud 2006.

Publix root beer with rum.

Tamarind juice with rum.

Marks and Spencer’s Alpho mango cocktail mixer with water and vodka. (mainly water).

We also popped off to Bilbao, by ferry. We forgot to bring money on board, and our cards did not work in any area other than the canteen, which was only open for a couple of hours. The journey lasted 36 hours, after an enjoyable stay in a Linton Travel Tavern in Portsmouth, which had actual keys on the doors. I bought a large boat, with a sail, on the ferry, like a Yok would build as a hobby. For this, rather than for any food, the card worked. We stayed at the Five Star Sheraton Bilbao, which has windows that one closes with a button. We went to the Guggenheim museum, glanced in the atrium, and went on our way, to Salamanca, rejoicing.

After the five hour train journey from Bilbao to Salamanca, we stayed in an ex-convent, which had a free minibar, where we partook of coke and Fanta Limon/ Naranja *in bottles*. It was misty in Salamanca, and it was very emotional to be back after seven years away. We went to the supermarket, and bought, among other things, red shoes, red jumpers, and a small green plastic motorbike for me. In Salamanca we had burgers, Filets o’ Fish at McDonalds, and lots of white asparagus, which came alongside egg and cheese toasties in the Plaza Mayor. I also had lots of pudding. I decided to fly British Airways back to England, rather than easy jet, because of my class.

As soon as we got back, we fought, hit, punched and screamed for five days at the Cambridge University Press booksale, where supposedly damaged new books were added to a big table every few hours, every day, straight from the presses. The Blonde tricked me into giving her a Cambridge Spinoza book, by displaying the Cambridge Companion to Shakespeare before my eyes, despite the fact that several copies of this book would become available in the following days. Each soft cover new book was only priced at TWO POUNDS! Just TWO POUNDS! I bought many treatises, but I include below only the Cambridge Companions I purchased, which are my favourites.

The Cambridge Companion to Ralph Waldo Emerson
The Cambridge Companion to Margaret Atwood
The Cambridge Companion to Durkheim
The Cambridge Companion to the African American Novel
The Cambridge Companion to Dosteoevskii
The Cambridge Companion to Shakespeare’s History Plays
The Cambridge Companion to Pushkin
The Cambridge Companion to Friedrich Schliermacher
The Cambridge Companion to Modern Latin American Culture
The Cambridge Companion to Old English Literature
The Cambridge Companion to Early Modern Philosophy
The Cambridge Companion to Postcolonial Literary Studies
The Cambridge Companion to the Modern Italian Novel
The Cambridge Companion to Shakespeare
The Cambridge Companion to Philip Roth
The Cambridge Companion to Chaucer
The Cambridge Companion to Feminist Literary Theory
The Cambridge Companion to Nabokov
The Cambridge Companion to Harriet Beecher Stowe
The Cambridge Companion to Shakespeare’s Poetry

I also bought at full price (around sixteen pounds each):

The Cambridge Companion to Reformation Theology
The Cambridge Companion to Jonathan Edwards
The Cambridge Companion to Jesus

The Blonde also tricked me/ snuck in front of me/ snuck into the sale when I was not there, and purchased, among others:

The Cambridge Companion to Kafka
The Cambridge Companion to Proust
The Cambridge Companion to Jewish American Literature.*

I also popped off to The Cinnamon Club, in Westminster, for a familial dinner, as a surprise guest-of-honour.

I ate the following:

Indian-Tomato amuse-bouche

***

Carpaccio of cured organic salmon with onion seeds, horseradish ‘raitia’

Selected Naan breads

***

Roast saddle of ‘Oisin’ red deer with pickling spices

***

Tamarind glazed caramel banana tarte with Indian spiced Ice Cream.

***

A selection of mineral waters.

*She read the latter mockingly on the train journey from Salamanca to Bilbao, as she had bought it before I knew the sale existed, while I was in Hutchinson Island, Florida, USA, where I got some 85 degree sun for a week in a Vistana Beach resort.

Sizzling Venison in Hong Kong sauce, Blackbean chicken, seaweed, egg-fried rice, and kosher spring rolls, at the Ugly Duckling Chinese Restaurant on Christmas Day. Yes: Venison in a chinese restaurant!

Chicken, spicy fries, coleslaw, corn, and Nandos House Salad, at Nandos.

Chinese breadfruit, melon, and mango seaweed jellies, bought from the Ghetto on Mill Road.

Pizza with spinach, fried onions, olives, and fried egg on top, at Ask Pizza, on boxing day.

10 packets of Wotsits, and one packet of Brannigans roast beef and mustard crisps.

Sainsburies Sweet Pancakes with custard and banana from M&S.

Kinder surprises, and various chocolates.

McDonalds strawberry milkshake and large fries.

Mozzarella, avocado, onion, tomato, balsamic vinegar, and buttered Cholla bread.

A brown cow.

***

Cambridge Limmud 2006 Timetable

Saturday December 23rd

Early evening

Supervision

Marks & Spencer shopping for essentials, including Sprite

Dinner and washing

10.10pm

Down With Love, BBC2
Comedy set in the Big Apple *

11:50pm

Neighbors, cruise videos, and slumber *

Chocolates

Sunday December 24th

Morning

Hymns and Carols

Shopping for delicacies

Queuing for King’s Carols*

Afternoon

Quiet reading and chapter writing, with score from Hamlet:The Movie

5:45pm

Carols from Kings, either on BBC2, or Live

7:15pm

Ergo work in the gymnasium of the College of St. John the Evangelist*

8:00pm

Dinner

9:30pm

Scrabble*

Keeping The Faith
A film on DVD starring Edward Norton and a Jew*

Neighbors* and Olympic Games Bid city videos

Edgar-Allen-Po Oral Reading of The Raven

Monday December 25th

Late morning

Ergo in the gymnasium of the College of St. John the Evangelist

Afternoon

Lunch in town, preferably Chinese

3.30pm

Quiet reading and chapter writing

4.55pm

Duma the Cheetah, BBC 2
Documentary taking an intimate look into the life of the big cat *

5:30pm

Quiet reading and chapter writing

7:30pm

Dinner

9:30pm

The Vicar of Dibley Xmas Special, BBC 1
Alice thinks she is the last living descendant of Christ*

12:50am

Two Girls and a Guy, BBC 2
Two women and a guy stand outside a New York apartment building*

Tuesday December 26th

Late morning

Ergo in the gymnasium of the College of St. John the Evangelist

Afternoon

Lunch on Mill Road*

3:30pm

Quiet reading and chapter writing

6:00pm

Neighbors and the like

7:20pm

Dinner

9:00pm

After Thomas, ITV 1
An uplifting true story about a dog and an autistic little boy

11:15pm

Match of the Day, BBC1

Wednesday December 27th

Music and lying down

* Denotes that this activity may have been partially done, or not done at all, when push came to shove.

After some porridge and honey, I made my way to the boathouse in dank drizzle. We did some warm up ergos, and eventually boated. Unusually, this race starts outside the boathouses, and goes downsteam towards the lock, for a gruelling ten to fourteen minute rowing time trial. It is indeed the longest race in the calendar. Our aim was to maintain the surprisingly small gap between our boat and the Peterhouse First Men’s IV, and hold off the Queens II boat that was to start 30 seconds after us, and gain on the Churchill II boat we were to be chasing. As we were marshalling, I passed the following adage down the boat, which I have learned from my study of Matthew Pinsent.

“We have not trained in order to give ourselves the chance of winning.
We have trained in order to eliminate the chance of losing”.

I was reminded of this in a video I sent round to the chaps the night before. It is of the Athens 2004 Men’s Coxless Four race. The twist in the video is that I chose the one commentated by the hubristic Canadians, who thought throughout the race that they would nail the elderly British. This, of course, was not to be.

Just after I recited this refrain, I heard a shout “Blade, Blade”, coming from The Blonde, on the Bridge by LMBC boathouse. I nodded my head, allowed a quick smile, and then got back to business. The former Governor of Hong Kong and his wife, the college master and mistress, also joined us on the bank for a while, and gave us their best wishes.

After a rather fraughtly coxed start, in which we struggled to straighten ourselves before the gun went off, we began the lethal standing start that we have been working on. We have gone up to a rating of 37 over the week, without losing too much technique or power. Before we knew it, we were flying along, albeit without 100% control. Nonetheless, we ploughed on, and Queens II, who by now had started after their interval, were nowhere to be seen. Then we heard Coach calling that we were gaining on the Churchill II boat that we were chasing after a 30 second interval. Legs became pistons, and we did some pushes for ten. I would have liked the cox to have called pushes off landmarks, such as bridges and posts, but such is life. We continued to plough along, and by now we were very much into the aerobic part of the piece. More people shouted from the bank, and things started to become a bit hazy. We soon entered the second six minutes of the race, and pushed again for ten down the reach. Timing was off in places, but we kept on going at a good rating, and attempted to maintain the pressure through the water. The last three minutes were mental more than physical, as I had to convince myself to push even when my legs and back said no. The last minute contained within it a bow side corner, which was not a fun proposition when I had just emptied the tank for home. It necessitated my side pulling harder to rotate the boat round the corner onto the finishing straight by The Plough. We crossed the line, I was bright purple, and almost in a crumpled heap. I think we had all given it our all. We had closed to within 30 metres of the Churchill boat, after starting off at around 200 metres apart. So we knew we had done quite well. But how well? We saw the First Men’s IV on the side of the river having finished their piece, and we were handed some silver foil, which I turned into a superman cape, in honour of my bow side corner.

We rowed back to the boathouse, where I had some brownies and champagne. I then cycled into town, to meet The Blonde, at Tatties. I drank a large iced strawberry milkshake and we shared a tuna-mayonnaise baguette. We were both perturbed that the milkshakes were served in large paper coca cola cups, rather than in glasses. After looking at maps in Heffers, I made my way to get changed for dinner.

It was at this point that I learned of the race results.

We were the fasted Second IV in the regatta, and had come overall 8th in the division. We had beaten two first IVs, including Robinson and Jesus. Our time was 13:14 seconds. Peterhouse’s First IV came overall 6th in the division. Considering the training we had done, I was really rather chuffed with all of this. But we can do more next term. Oh yes, we can do much more.

As such, I went on my way, in black tie, to Temple, rejoicing.

After prayers of gratitude and so forth, I made my way to Peterhouse for the dinner.

As promised, here is the menu, detailing all that I ate and drank, in full.

Peterhouse Boat Club Fairbairns Dinner

Champagne reception

***

Tomato and sweet red pepper soup

***

Casillero Diablo Chardonnay Concha y Toro, Chile 2005

***

Oregano and Garlic marinated fillets of lamb with Claret jus
Panache of vegetables
Braised marjoram beetroot
Turned road potatoes

***

Vina Paraiso Malbec (Luigi Bosca), Argentina 2003

***

Plum and rhubarb Charlotte with whipped cream

***

A selection of English and Continental cheeses, served with biscuits and red grapes

***

Smith Woodhouse LBV Port 1994

***

Coffee and mints

I have transcribed the menu below, with detailed descriptions of what I personally ate and drank.

Grand Prebois Marsanne- Viognierm Vin de Pays des Portes, 2005

***

Beetroot Bavarois with Smoked Eel and Mache Salad.
(I did not have the eel portion)

***

Chateau Thieuley Cuvee Courselle, Bordeaux Blanc 2004

***

Roast Chicken Halibut with Mustard and Tomato Crust

***

Chateau Fourcas-Dupre, Listrac 1996

***

Venison Fillet with Red Wine and Chocolate Sauce

***

Ginger Parfait, Green Tea Jelly and Coconut

***

Warre 1970

***

Scotch Woodcock and Scrambled Egg

***

Cornas Vieilles Vignes, Alain Voge 1996

***

Coffee, Nuts, Tropical Fruits, Belgian chocolates

***

Graacher Dompropst Riesling Auslese, Max Ferdinand.

I then cycled at blitz pace to the station, where I caught the train for London, and went on my way for Crazy Dave’s Stag Weekend, including Football, Ballet, Curry, and The Cinnamon Club, rejoicing.

So said an irate elderly gentleman in Borders on Friday. I was leafing through a copy of The Tablet, a Catholic magazine devoted to religion in public life, when he poked me and started screaming that I was not allowing his access to the magazine rack. I was doing no such thing, and calmly asked him whether this was a very nice way of carrying out social interaction. He went plum purple, started screaming, and said the following:

“YOU PIECE OF ENGLISH SCUM”

“I HAVE BEEN DEALING WITH PIECES OF ENGLISH SCUM LIKE YOU MY WHOLE LIFE”

By this point, I was so utterly serene; so utterly chuffed, that I just stood there beaming. This man, by the sound of it very English, but probably with Celtic ancestry that gave him a chip on his shoulder, had called me ENGLISH, which I AM. YES!

I was wearing a red poppy. This may have prompted his response to my wishing him a jolly weekend: He turned on his heal, and shouted out, with a hiss after each word:

“GO BACK TO DUNKIRK”.

By now I was more than serene. I had been retroactively placed into England’s finest hour. I was now on a ship to Dunkirk, rescuing our Island Story, thanks to his perplexing insults.

So I stood there, put my copy of The Tablet down, turned on my heal, and went on my way rejoicing.

The Europhile, ever more pathological in his wish to dissolve Albion, responded thusly to me:

“You are not English. No such nationality exists. You are British and European. Look at your passport.”

I responded:
“English first.
British second.
Israeli third.
American fourth.
African fifth.
Never European- the continent of gleeful gas-chambers and unproductive economies.”

The Europhile responded:

“Blah, blah, blah…Same old mantra: ‘European economies are stagnant, Britain’s is dynamic’, blah, blah. Have you consulted the Economist’s ‘World in 2007′? Let us take a look: Britain’s GDP per head is $42,500. Sweden’s is $49,000, the Netherlands’ is $45,000 (so is Finland’s and Austria’s). Belgium’s is $43,000, whilst Denmark’s and Ireland’s exceeds $50,000. Norway clocks in at a whopping $81,000. France and Germany, for all their supposed troubles, aren’t doing too badly either. Germany has a GDP p.h. of $40,000 and France’s is $41,000. If Britain is doing so well, why isn’t our economy like Norway’s? For comparison, America’s GDP p.h. is $46,000, Australia’s is $36,000, whilst Japan’s is $41,000 - all pretty similar to the European mainstream, wouldn’t you say?”

I responded:

“ “Norway clocks in at a whopping $81,000″

Tell me something:

IS NORWAY IN THE EU ???????????????????

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

I have taken to motivational speech CDs, and have been listening to ‘Freedom’s Finest Hour’ which narrates the genesis of American liberty, and is read by Ronald Reagan. I also have his and Margaret’s collected speeches on CD, as well as a Churchill compilation. I am very pleased to be reminded of how scornful he is of the Southern Irish during his period.

There is a Mexican food van which stops right outside my house, and I am able to eat chicken and avocado burritos, and cheese and salsa quesadillas, in the manner of The Horizon Court buffet, on the Caribbean Princess.

This term’s training has been up and down. The back of my feet have started lactating blood because of a number of 30 minute ergos I have done with incorrect footwear. As such, I walk around town with my Caribbean sandals on, looking left-wing, unfortunately. Yet this has at least given us stamina. On the downside, the Beanpole has been drunk and disorderly on two occasions, making us miss outings and do ergos instead. The ultra-conservative Henley-man did not turn up to a 6am early the other day, but his reason was so unintentionally funny that I must let him off. This is the remorseful message he sent our crew and coach, to explain how he became inebriated:

‘I was at corporate communion last night and I got a bit carried away.’

My Anglo-Catholic colleagues do indeed confirm that this was the case: Drunk on the blood of Christ. This is why he had a Reformation.

All of which reminds me of a quotation I remember, from something I have been reading, written at the turn of the 20th century:

‘In a college like Cambridge rowing does for those who practise it nearly everything that the rules of the authorities propose to do. It makes them lead a regular and simple life; it gets them out of bed early in the morning and send them to bed again at ten at night; it disciplines them, it keeps them healthy, for it makes temperance necessary…If I could only add that it forces a man to his books and necessarily made him a brilliant subject for examiners, I should have compiled a fairly complete list of academic virtues.’
R.C. LEHMAN, The Complete Oarsman, 1909

I have nine kids I am supervising this term, so I need the discipline.

So, today I went for a hearty brunch at Tatties with The Blonde. I had a cup of coffee (having read in Runners’ World that moderate caffeine is good for sport). I also had some Ribena, a chocolate croissant, and scrambled egg on toast. After picking up my copy of MTV’s Carmen: A Hip Hopera from The College of St. John The Evangelist, I cycled to the boathouse. Marshalling took hours, as today’s timed head piece race had many, many entries. We had an ok row down to the marshalling point, but our little novice cox (who has an amusingly laconic Derbyshire accent) did not give us a practise ‘rolling start’ As such, when we eventually began the race, our first minute or two was terrible, with my rowing at a much higher rating than the other three, who followed stroke at what I deemed to be too low a rate. As such, I called a push from my bow seat, and things began to heat up. It was windy, so we were wearing clams on our oars to give some more leverage above the wavy water. The crew who started a minute after us were nowhere to be seen, and soon, after several more pushes and a slightly increased rating (Baruch Hashem), we began to close in on the crew who had started a minute before us. This was encouraging, and seemed to show that perhaps those 30 minute ergos were worth something. Our rowing technique was still pretty horrid in places, but I am sick of being a pretty but slow boat, and so will take that with a slightly positive spin. We did some more pushes on the reach, and by the end, we got to near overlap on the boat, as we glided gasping under the bunting that marked the finish line.

We got back to the boathouse, had a debrief, and I went on my way into town, rejoicing.